A Bend in the Road

I have been well-aware that this day was approaching. But this past Sunday in church I was overcome with the sad thought. It was a year ago on Sunday that I went to say my earthly good-byes to my sister, Katie. I will never forget that hard moment. My sister, Andi, and I were driving together. We had flown into Salt Lake from different states and then made the trip up to Katie's house in Blackfoot, Idaho. When we neared Katie's home, I couldn't hold back the tears. I don't think anything can prepare you for such moments. I thought my heart was going to break. When we went into Katie's room, it became even harder. She didn't look like Katie. She had oxygen tubes in her nose; she was pale, swollen, and weak. It was painfully evident that she was dying. My close, caring, ministering sister was dying! When she heard us enter, she opened her eyes and said a very labored, weak, breathy, and yet happy "Hello!" I will never forget that labored, joyful hello. She was so happy to see us! I felt she had been waiting for us, holding on until we arrived. She declined steadily from that moment, dying on this very day (November 16th) one year ago. All three of her sisters were there to catch her family and be for them, for a short time, what she could not be. I felt the timing was truly orchestrated by her and the Lord.

S. Michael Wilcox poses a difficult question: "Why does the Lord tend to ask us to leave when our nets are full? . . . It may be when we have everything to live for that cancer or something else calls us home. God tends to call us when the nets are full" (Walking on Water, p.17). Why? Is it possible that the Lord is about something so much bigger than we are? Yes. By removing something so precious to us, He creates a hole in our hearts, a hole that needs to be filled. Filled with what? Filled with Him! Filled with hope. Painfully, humbly, and desperately, we recognize an emptiness that can only be filled by Christ. Why does He do that? Is it possible that He wants us to discover that there is so much more available than our mortal eyes can see? He longs for us to feel and know that NOW is not what FOREVER will look like (President Uchtdorf).

Many lonely tears have been shed privately during this last year as I have sought to fill the hole left by Katie's death. The following poem that was read at Katie's funeral expresses the process of filling, of searching, of becoming beautifully:

A Bend in the Road

When we feel we have nothing left to give
& we are sure that the song has ended,
When our day seems over & the shadows fall
& the darkness of night has descended

Where can we go to find the strength
To valiantly keep on trying?
Where can we find the hand that will dry
The tears that the heart is crying?

There's but one place to go and that is to God,
& dropping all pretense & pride,
We can pour out our problems without restraint
& gain strength with Him at our side.

& together we stand at life's cross roads
& view what we think is the end,
But God has a much bigger vision,
& He tells us it's only a bend.

For the road goes on and is smoother,
& the pause in the song is a rest,
& the part that's unsung & unfinished
Is the sweetest & riches & best.

So rest & relax & grow stronger.
Let go & let God share your load.
Your work is not finished or ended,
You've just come to a bend in the road.
--Helen Steiner Rice

Thank you, Katie, for being willing to leave when your net was full so that our nets could develop stronger holding places for God. I so love and adore you, Dear Sister.