Seeking Peace with a Friend

I've developed a problem with a friend that is really causing me some anguish. I have been so down about it. I don't usually have these kinds of conflict with people. It has become a cycle between us:

1) She treats me with contempt and says poky things to me. She finds fault and corrects me.
2) I then view her as an object--someone who is self-rightous and thinks she is superior.
3) So then I inwardly (and probably outwardly) resist her and likewise treat her with contempt. I do and say things wrong to her because I feel uncomfortable and uptight around her.
4) She consequently sees me as an object--someone who is immature and self-righteous.
1) She then treats me with contempt and says poky things. She takes opportunities to correct me.
2) So I continue to view her as someone who is self-righteous and thinks she are superior...

See the cycle? Notice the numbering. Next is #3 then #4 and back on up and down again. It goes on and on.

Please tell me you can relate to this dilemma in some way or form. It happens all the time. It's everywhere--in homes, at work, between neighbors, at church, among nations.

The interesting thing is that when we are in such conflicts, we are actually encouraging the very behavior that we hate and are trying to stop! The Anatomy of Peace calls this a collusion. A collusion is a conflict where the parties are inviting the very things they are fighting against. I keep telling myself that recognition is key to change (i.e. repentance)... I know I am in need of change.

As The Anatomy of Peace points out: "No conflict can be solved so long as all parties are convinced they are right. Parties need to be willing to consider that they might be mistaken about the other party....We can be right on the surface--in my position or behavior (outward kindness, for example)--while being entirely mistaken beneath, in my way of being. I might, for example, yell at my kids about the importance of chores and be entirely correct about their importance. However, do you suppose I invite the help and cooperation I am wanting from them when my heart is at war in my yelling? ....Even if you are convinced you have been right in the positions you've taken, can you say with confidence that you have also been right in your way of being toward them?"

The struggle for me has been that I have tried to address this issue with her in what I thought was a very loving way but perhaps that was wrong, or my approach was wrong. But regardless of another's acceptance of my efforts, I must still work diligently in maintaining the right way of being--being out of the box, seeing my friend (for she truly is) as person with equal needs, concerns, and fears--even if I am not seen as such by her. This is my struggle. Perhaps the Lord is trying to teach me something and how prayerfully I am trying to learn it!!! Oh, how I need His help and mercy! Send up a prayer for me, will ya?? Thank you.

To read more on the subject of peacemaking, read this post. Also, here's a post on conflict that might be helpful if you are in a bind like me... If so, I'm sending up prayers for you, too!